CHAPTER 7
*
When I was fifteen, I had my first wet dream. It was with a man and that man was someone I was very familiar with. It was James. After that I searched the internet to find homosexual pornography. I sweat like a pig watching two muscular figures going at each other. I was embarrassed, so with slightly erected genital I closed my laptop. The next day I brows the web again but this time I found a male lead with brown hair with glasses. Suddenly the porn seemed beautiful and pleasurable. I masturbated for the first time in my room and it was awkward. I felt hollowed out by the end and banged my forehead against the computer desk. I was miserable. I swear that I would never watch pornography again, but my resolve was short lived because I came back again the next day to the same website.
I dated girls as I grew older and had sexual intercourse with them but something always bothered me. I was always hungry for something and that need was never fulfilled. It was not sexual thing but psychological thing. Not psychological, it was problem of my heart, my desire, and wants. I was very familiar with these heart’s desire since I was fifteen, I needed James.
When I looked at James, I saw the story that he wrote for me on my birthday and the way his eyes sparkle when he shares something interesting with me. When I thought of James, I thought of my love for his careful fingers when he touches the books in my grandfather’s library and his patience when dealing with my grandfather. I thought of him now because I could not think of anyone else to have sex with but James. I had to make a decision, a decision that I shouldn’t have to make if I was in my original world. Sure, I had sex before, but it was all done during the period when I was in a denial.
I gritted my teeth and stop in my tract. This is ridiculous, I wasn’t a prostitute and yet everybody expected me to be one. Iluz must have known what Balneumers had to do. Maybe he toyed with me to see how long it took me to figure out what exactly I was supposed to do. My hatred for Iluz seem to have grown with today’s encounter.
“I can find my way from here.”
The servant who was guiding me back to my room nodded and left me on the pathway. My mind was a jumble and I wanted to be alone for a while to think. I saw a garden outside the window and decided to explore it.
I walked around the garden, aimlessly, not noticing any plants or flowers.
“#$^%%&#*&^)!!”
My step faltered. In the distance, I heard multiple voices. Although it was none of my business, I was too happy to distract myself from my own problems. I walked towards the voice and slowed my feet to silence. I felt slight adrenaline rising, feeling like an amateur spy.
“Filth like you should never have entered the palace!”
“Yes, big brother speaks the truth. You are unfit to be serving our highness!”
Two figures were facing a sturdy figure who was holding something in his arms.
“Step aside, I am in a hurry.”
I hid myself behind clusters of bushes upon encountering the scene. The larger figure who was facing the two other figures spoke. His voice sounded familiar. I looked back on my past memory and realized that the large figure was Dado from the palace infirmary. My fingertips became cold. Was Dado in trouble?
“Do you think you are the only one busy? Don’t act so high and mighty.”
One of the two figure facing Dado spoke up again while the shorter guy nodded in contempt. They did not seem like the type to back down even if it was unreasonable to stand around and bicker.
Dado tried to pass by the two figures but was pushed back.
“Where do you think you are going?! You have yet to let us know what is in that bundle. Are you going to poison highness?”
“As I’ve told you before, there is no way I would harm that person. Move aside, I don’t have time for this.”
Dado spoke in a warning tone, his patient running dry.
“THAT PERSON?! Do you think you are better than our highness? Give me that!”
Smaller guy countered and finally reached out to grab what was in Dado’s arm. I could see Dado’s tense stand and tight fist. Dado was about to attack.
“Dado! Dado! Where are you!”
In heat of the moment, I yelled. I made sure to turn away so that my voice doesn’t reach directly to the group. When I turned my gaze back around, the two figures were scuttling away from Dado’s side. Soon, the two figures were running away.
Dado stood still from where he was and looked back to exactly where I was standing. I slowly unfolded myself, straightening my legs.
“Hey.”
“…”
Dado studied my face for a moment and started walking away.
“Wait, I need your help.”
I blurted. I wasn’t sure what I needed help with, but it seemed better idea than to let him walk away just like that.
“…I’m busy right now but I will find you.”
“..O…Okay.”
Dado left even before I finished my last word.
After Dado’s figure disappeared among the trees, I slid down against a tree trunk and buried my face in the crook of my arms. I sighed deeply. What am I doing, I wasn’t sure.
Couple of minutes later, I collected myself and my thoughts. Thought of returning to my not-so-private residence did not comfort me but I had no other choice for now.
Hinawary 