Money Issues

Personal stories, Part 1

Whenever I think about money, I feel trapped. Anxiety engulfs me and my thoughts spiral down to the pit of my stomach.

I didn’t always have this problem.

My dad was working in a trading company and he liked his appearance as a generous person. He was kind to outsiders and always showed compassion for his friends. This is a good thing if you are his friend, it is a bad thing if you are member of his family. My dad did not care that he had no money in his bank as long as he can make others happy. He brought gifts and brought countless dinners for his co-workers and his relatives. He invested his money to his friends for their businesses even if it meant he had to get loans from a bank. Even though he worked, my dad never provided for his children’s expenses and their meals.

My mom worked. In the beginning, she worked as a sale’s person. She knocked on doors of strangers to sell products that she had no confidence in so that she can put food on our tables. She never had enough time for herself and even when she had her day off she had to do house chores. When her children were big enough to go to elementary school, she finished her degree in nursing and changed her career.

They fought a lot about money. They usually fought when their children were in their bedrooms, thinking that it will be okay as long as they don’t hear it. However, this was not the case. I noticed their yelling and screaming in the middle of the night. One time it became so bad that my mom left us.

Mom left our father in the middle of their fight because the fight was getting physical. I still am not sure what they were fighting about at the time but according to my mom they were always fighting about money problems and my dad’s way of handling money. Mom left us because my dad broke a beer bottle to kill my mom. Polices came but since it was normal for married couples to fight all the time, they didn’t do anything other than calming my father down. The next morning my mom was gone.

I don’t remember much of that morning but I remember that I was too scared of my dad to ask about my mom. I was scared of my father because he sometimes slapped me over the breakfast table.

Couple of days later, without a word, my dad brought me and my brother to a convent. It was a night time and I was very excited to see my mom. She smiled down at me and asked how I did on my spelling test. I told her that I did bad.

My mom came home with us that night and I didn’t ask her what made her leave the house. I think I vaguely knew what was happening at the time.

Unlike the fights during the night, I remember the fights during the day much more.

It was the day of my dad’s father’s birthday when the fight happened. Because the distance between my grandfather’s house and our’s was very close, we visited him often during weekends. We couldn’t afford a birthday party and my dad was pissed about it. We were on our way home when the car suddenly wiggled off from the road. My mom was driving at the time and me and my brother were sitting in the back. I looked to my dad who was fuming in the passenger seat and I just knew that he did something to my mom while she was driving. My mom pulled over to the side and walked away from the car. She was crying, I was crying, and my brother was crying. My dad, my dad just looked angry.

We waited in the car for my mom because my mom took the car key. When my mom came back, my dad complained about my mom taking the key with her. my mom came back to the car that was park on the side road, silently. She drove us home without a word and when we got home things became more intense.

As soon as we got home, my dad started breaking things around the house. He lifted up the TV and smashed it on the floor. He threw the dishes in the kitchen and yelled at my mom who was crying, sitting on the floor. I didn’t know what my mom did wrong but I was too scared to defend her so me and my brother watched them behind half opened door.

My mom opened later that my dad punched her in the car when she was driving, all because we couldn’t do anything for our grandfather on his birthday.

I blamed all the fights that I witnessed between my parents to money. Money is important and if we don’t have money then it becomes a problem.

I know now that money was just a part of the problem, but I still cannot help but feel anxious whenever I have to spend money.

This one time, I had to buy a digital textbook for my class. It was very expensive and I wanted to save as much as possible. I looked through different alternatives and ended up buy it in about $145. However as soon as I brought the book, I learned that there was a better deal that sold the access code for $120.

It was such a stupid thing to be upset about but to me it was very big deal. I could have saved $25!

I walked home to calm myself. When I returned home, I tried to act natural. It was lunch time so I set down with my family and began eating. The whole time I was eating though, I couldn’t get rid of the thought that I wasted $25 dollars. I looked down on my hands under the table and wept. I didn’t make any sound so it was some time before my brother noticed something wrong with me.

“Are you crying?”

I looked up to his voice and that is when my mom, too, noticed my tears. We talked about what happened and my mom laughed at my silliness. I think it broke my mom’s heart a little to see me cry like that.

I cried because I felt useless. I cried because I couldn’t save the money. I cried because I know how hard my mom works to make that money.